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Soul-Centered Success™
A bi-monthly e-zine for driven professionals who want it "all" without sacrificing their souls
March 2006
Written and Published by Jill Berquist, PCC
Certified Coach and Founder of Berquist Coaching Services, LLC, Since 1997
VISIT US ON THE WEB! at: www.berquistcoaching.com
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NOTE: The next Free Introductory Now What?™sessions are scheduled for:
Tuesday March 14 and Thursday March 23rdh, 8:00 - 9:00 p.m. ESTMove toward your new career or life direction!For more information or to register, email to info@berquistcoaching.com======================================================
I. Topic: Listening - In the Present Tense
II. Messages From The Masters
III. Coach's Top Picks
IV. News!
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Topic: Listening - In the Present Tense
Many of us think we are pretty good listeners. I can tell you from experience, as someone who listens for a living, I thought the same. When I first began coaching as a profession, I gave myself a personality assessment that I now use with all of my clients. The report shows a variety of factors like strengths, communication and work style, your ideal work environment, etc. The part about how you show up to others under extreme stress held a surprise for me. It indicated that under extreme stress, I become a poor listener. Wow! I counted on listening as a core and deep skill of mine. My clients had always given me that feedback and I knew it was a strength. Turns out, in coaching, it is. And yet, when I think about it, in areas of my personal life, the report feedback made sense. When I let stress take hold, I can get emotional and jump head into things, focus on problem-solving, or getting a message across. All of which impair listening.
The core principle that has helped me, (at least I am working on it!) and others I know, is the concept of being fully present when you are listening.
Critical Side Point: Before we can get to basic present-awareness listening tips, you must focus on raising your own presence with yourself. If you are caught up in the busyness, crazy, multi-tasking, adrenaline-addictedness of life, (who you?) you are going to need to unhook from some of this to gain that basic calm within. This can be a process, yet a couple top-of-mind suggestions are to practice the art of focusing your attention on one thing at a time, or doing a minute of deep breathing a few times a day, with your full attention to your breathe only. If these are too difficult, start with just taking a few, two-minute breaks during your day to stop what you are doing and look at the window. There is so much more to this point than can even be mentioned here. You may have your own favorite way of slowing down and being present. Use it, and create a habit around it. You will absolutely see your ability to listen improve. It is impossible to be present with the speaker when you are over-loaded or your mind is on your to-do list.
Now, moving along to my Top 6 Tips for Present-Tense Listening:
1) Be sure your body says you are listening. Show you are not multi-tasking by putting everything down, (turning away from your computer if in an office setting, away from the t.v. or book if you are at home) and turning toward the speaker. Be sure that your arms and legs are unfolded, and you are in a relaxed stance whether sitting or standing. If someone is in your office, come out from behind your desk and sit beside them. Just as you would kneal to get eye-contact with a child, be sure you are not standing when the speaker is sitting. Try to keep your expression neutral and encouraging, versus alarmed, perplexed or anxious; even though the communication might provoke this, this would shut down communication quickly.
2) Let the speaker finish his or her thoughts. Resist the urge to respond to the speaker prematurely by jumping on the last words of what they are saying. This is interrupting and will also short-circuit the communication. You may be making an assumption about where they were headed and chances are it becomes more about you being heard at that point. At least this is the feeling that the speaker will get. Good rule of thumb here is to be sure to pause for a good few seconds after the speaker finishes, and allow some pure space, before even thinking about speaking. If you want to encourage more information, wait a little longer..you may even get an elaboration. (Be careful, wait way too long, and you may appear tuned out!)
3) Focus on what the speaker is saying, not what your response will be. Related to the above point, if you are inclined to speak too soon, chances are you are conjuring up your response during the time the speaker is speaking. We some times are so concerned about saying the next "right" thing, that we lose connection with what is being said. You may get the message wrong, or communicate that you don't care. Trust yourself to be able to respond perfectly, when and if it is time for you to respond. Remember, to be truly listened to is so powerful for people, they may not necessarily want an answer or solution from you anyway. Listening may be enough.
4) Don't be concerned about being right or proving a point. It is impossible to listen while you are simultaneously working on your agenda, point, case, or strong-hold to being right. As Stephen Covey states in his principle of Seek First to Understand, a core element to relating and communicating is putting the priority on truly "getting" where the speaker is coming from, before you even begin to respond with your view, especially if it is a different one. You will be easier to be heard, if you are hearing first. Zig Ziglar makes the same point with his thought about people not caring what you know until they know you care. Hmmm, must be something to this.
5) Resist the urge to relate to the speaker by launching into a story about your own experience. It is so easy to want to share a similar experience, especially if we want the speaker to know we understand. Just remember any time you are sharing your story, it now draws the energy to you, and you can no longer possibly be with the speaker in the moment. If you do think it is a beneficial thing, at least wait until the person is done speaking, and be sure that your story is relevant and brief. Otherwise, the focus is now about you. A simple cause for communication derailment.
6) Avoid an overly emotional response to what you are hearing. Keeping a neutral affect when you are listening is such a powerful way for the speaker to feel supported and heard. A simple nod, or "I see" or "Tell me more" works in psychology for a reason. When it is sincere, it will encourage further sharing. When you react emotionally, even with a very positive emotion, again, you draw the energy back to you and away from the speaker. Since we are talking about the best ways for you to be in the moment with the speaker, whether it is positive or negative, don't steal the energy!
II. Messages from the Masters
" We all want, above all, to be heard---but not merely to be heard. We want to be understood--heard for what we think we are saying, for what we know we meant. " - Deborah Tannen, from You Just Don't Understand - Women and Men in Conversation
" When you listen with empathy to another person your give that person psychological air. After that vital need is met, you can then focus on influencing or problem-solving. This need of psychological air impacts communication in every area of life. " - Stephen Covey, from The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
" It is not our purpose to become each other; it is to recognize each other, to learn to see the other and to honor him for what he is."
- Hermann Hesse
III. Coach's Top Picks
IV. News
CHANGE OF EMAIL ADDRESS:
- Please note jill@berquistcoaching.com as your primary way to reach me! If you had AOL in your address book at all, please cancel. Thank you!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Jill Berquist, PCC, founder of Berquist Coaching Services, LLC is a Career and Executive Coach. Jill works with managers, professionals, executives and entrepreneurs on various issues, from business or career transition, to creating life-balance and realizing one's life vision. Aside from eight years in her coaching business, Jill's experience includes 10 years as a Human Resources professional with the leading global consulting firm, Accenture.
Jill's mission is to help others achieve success on their own terms, supporting them in an effortless and enjoyable process of attracting work and life fulfillment. Jill is an active member of the International Coach Federation and the Glastonbury Chamber of Commerce, and the founder of The Connecticut Collaborative of Professional Coaches--a unique organization bringing together a diverse network of professional coaches, to support the profession and each other's businesses, while engaging in various projects that ignite potential in individuals and organizations. For more information call 860.659.5829, or email jill@berquistcoaching.com
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